I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
