she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
