Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
smell my finger.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
