I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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