Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
