Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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