If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
