i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
