The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
