he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
