so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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