omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
