Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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