I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It's shark week go big or go home
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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