I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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