she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
