Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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