We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
