Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
