If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
