I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
