Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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