dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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