She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
