my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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