it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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