I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
