its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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