Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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