from now on my penis is your penis
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this will be a night to untag.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
