im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
