genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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