fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
