Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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