k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
