dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
