And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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