today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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