i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
