Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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