Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
