There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
