I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
