The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
