Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
