i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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