My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
