plz talk dirty to me
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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