i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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