can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
