I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
